losing myself

She woke up this morning, finding out she wasn’t the same anymore. Her honesty was gone and her passion for life disappear. The always laughing girl with lots of love to share was destroyed.

She found herself in an unstoppable dream. She was fighting, fighting to survive. Fighting for justice in her own meaning. In this dream she was looking for something, something that explained her meaning of being a human been but most of all why she had to deal with all this stuff that makes her insecure. In her dream she walked a thousand mile, taking each step she took before, just to make sure she won’t miss a step. Because the journey she enter was her past. The road didn’t had an end and her faith wasn’t strong enough to face the truth. The reason why? she was moving forward but looking back the direction of her past.

This girl is trapped in her own body and mind. She wants nothing more than to live life like it should be, without being scared of the unpredictable. She wants to be herself with no need to be perfect. People around her doesn’t seems to understand. She is strong, I know for sure. Who knows her better than me? I mean this girl is actually me.

I don’t want to be just a creation. I want to be something, I want to feel, to feel the joy of being alive. I have ambitions and dreams like any other. But I didn’t get the chance to practice and show. My childhood was ripped away and I had to be an adult before I even get the chance to learn how to put my both feet’s on the ground. Instead of walk I had to stand up and run. I run into the adult world where I suddenly couldn’t make any mistakes anymore. I felt a lot of presser on my shoulders. How could I take care of the world if I couldn’t even take care of mine own created world.

At  some point I thought I found it, I met lots of people I consider as my friends. Finally I found my place. They introduce me to their way of living life. Which wasn’t better than where I stood before but at least I wasn’t lonely anymore. They teach me a lot, how to do drugs and how to sell myself. They took adventure of me being insecure. Drugs became my friend, I took it everywhere. I couldn’t eat or sleep without. Drugs give me the feeling I thought I would never feel again.

World, forgive me my weakness. I don’t know why my journey has to be this awful. Believe me this is killing me. You don’t want me to be this way and neither will I. So I’m asking you to have faith in me. I need you to support me. I need you all guys to be there for me, to have patience and may I do it wrong, please correct me. But don’t walk away for my. Be angry when I’m acting silly and please my when I’m doing it right.

This is it, can you?  

Please tell me yes, because this is your last chance. After today I will never open this conversation again. I will cover and berried it. Don’t wait too long, this is also my last step.

I had this view of the future where everything I wanted to achieve reaches out to me. I wanted to believe in a happy ending. I wanted to laugh and dace my sorrow away. Believing in my own happiness, making my own decisions. I want to beat the drake who is symbol of my past, this can only happens if you teach me to use the sword.